It was a cold February Night… okay it was 2 in the afternoon. The sky was dark with clouds as I walked into a local second store and there I found the worst Sonic game ever made. Not long ago I had believed it had been Tails’ Skypatrol for the Sega Game Gear, a game of dreadful design with levels that make your blood boil, okay Skypatrol is still worse, but not by much, and yes 2006 is also worse, but you know that game is worse than fucking tetanus.
The story of this game revolves around the Blue blur making his way through a armada of robotnik’s ships in space, what I refuse to call him Eggman, it’s a stupid name and second Sonic’s in space, non super and can breathe, I know, but the original Shadow burned up in Earth’s atmosphere, but Sonic can breathe in space, I mean it’s not like these ships have an air bubble, they are run by robots, who don’t need air. Anyway Sonic makes his way to Robotnik and becomes Super Sonic only for him to activate a device that drains the chaos emerald power from him and the emeralds into a weapon that spilts the earth into several chunks.
Just a question, why isn’t the earth chunks floating off into space, why haven’t everyone died from the loss of atmosphere, why was this game even made. What’s worse, this plot seems familar, I can’t quite place it, oh wait…
Sonic Advance 3. In a chaos control experiment gone wrong, the planet spilts into chunks and a race to the master emerald begins to repair the planet. Now if it were up to me for who saves the planet...
Oh yeah...
Anyway back to Unleashed. Sonic transforms into a, get this, Werehog, he was bitten by a pig, no he turns into a werehedgehog, what did he get a bitten by a hedgehog and clearly they have no idea how lycanthropy works, A human can bitten by a werewolf and become a werewolf, or a wererat, weretiger etc., but there is no such thing as a werehuman.
Sonic and the now powerless emeralds are cast out into space and fall into Earth’s atmosphere. Wait a minute didn’t Shadow die from falling through the atmosphere, the ultimate life form, I might add and Sonic gets off scotfree. Just to clarify, modern Shadow is a robotic clone, in case you haven’t played Shadow the hedgehog. He survives falling through the atmosphere, I’m sorry I can’t get over this, I know all the other cast have become simple cheerleaders but come on, he’s not fucking Superman, he’s a blue hedgehog who can run fast. Sonic lands on earth in a place that looks a bit like greece and by the way all the countries in this game are rip offs of real ones and also why he didn’t burn up on the way down or at least splat against the ground into strawberry jam, okay okay, it just pisses me off okay. Sonic finds himself with a small creature called Chip who is like Shadow in a certain way, say it along with me people:
HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS, OR WHAT HIS PURPOSE IS AS HE HAS LOST HIS MEMORY.
Ah, Amnesia, a lazy writers saviour. The sun rises and Sonic returns to normal and so begins a quest to take the depowered emeralds to sacred Gaia temples to restore their powers as regular Sonic in the day and Werehog Sonic at night. Day Sonic levels are how Sonic levels should be, run from end of the level to the other, and guess what there are less day levels than Werehog ones. Why don’t they just run to the master emerald to put it all back together again like before.
Sadly Sonic in his day levels controls, well, have you ever been in the supermarket, you’ve got a trolley but you need to hurry before your parking runs out so you go around at speed with the trolley and end up crashing into people, that’s what Day Sonic controls like in 3d mode. 2d mode works really well, it’s absolutely perfect but you rarely have any 2d sections which is a big problem. Grades for the level are now only based on time rather than rings and points and depending on what grade you get decides how many medals you get, which are used to open up secret doorways in the temples which can get you hidden artwork, music or even extra lives. Oh yeah I forgot 100 rings doesn’t give you a life, you have a set amount of lives starting at 2, but finding these secrets can increase the amount you have, which you really do need.
Werehog Sonic levels are what truly makes this game awful. While Day Sonic levels are generally grouped into an action stage, and a few missions in the same stage, Werehog Sonic gets 3 or 4 levels in a row before a boss and these levels are long, while you can complete day stages in around 2 or 3 minutes, werehog levels take around 7-10 minutes at a time and they suffer from bad camera syndrome. I had more deaths by camera than by enemies, in fact I didn’t die once at an enemy’s hands, I mean I once fell in a pit cause I couldn’t see it, and the camera is unmoveable. Werehog Sonic’s controls are the same old beat up crap, you know what it feels like, a 3d Altered Beast, which makes me wonder… WHY NOT RELEASE THAT INSTEAD! Actually no, it's what a load of game designers did at the time, rip off God of War. Seriously Kratos you need to get yourself a lawyer, or a bunch of stinger missiles, whatever works for you pal.
If Werehog Sonic is a rip-off a werewolf, WHY DOES HIS ARMS STRETCH?! Seriously his arms stretch to reach ledges, and you use it all the time, werewolfs don’t do this, you ever see a werewolf movie where they had stretchy limbs, NO! These levels only form of difficulty like I said is the camera, the bosses are just laughable, the third night boss, you just run up and hit it over and over, it’s like they weren’t even trying and considering it’s a Sonic game, probably not, considering there hasn’t been a good home console Sonic for years until Generations came out. I mean how do you fuck up Sonic, you run from one side of the screen to the next avoiding and attacking enemies at high speed and it doesn’t need a story, just look at Sonic 2, the best sonic game ever made and look what it doesn’t have… A STORY! Sonic Rush works cause all they added gameplay wise was a boost bar and yes it did have a story but it was a decent one, but what I’m saying is if you can’t add a good story to it, then get someone who can or just don’t put one in, stick to the original robotnik kidnaps animals, turns into robots, Sonic goes to save them, it’s not hard. Oh and I forgot to mention that the werehog levels up to learn new skills, skills that never really need to be used, I mean the health, power and unleashed upgrades are useful but the others aren’t, and in case you’re wondering Unleashed mode, increases attack power greatly. The battle in the werehog levels essentially come down to fight hoard of enemies, move on through some platforming, another hoard of enemies, move on again, I mean I suprised it doesn’t have a massive ‘GO!’ appear on the screen like a lot of those games do.
When people spoke badly about the adventure games, they had no idea, I mean I kinda like those but this is so awful that it’s impossible to like. THIS GAME IS SHIT! This game is the shit skid inside the toilet, while 2006 is the big massive turd that blocks the toilet and leaves a smell so bad, people vomit up and dogs commit harakiri. I’m not saying this to upset your stomachs, not at all, but I can’t think of any other description for this game other than this. I’ve been a Sonic fan since the early days of 1994, when I was five years old and I’ve put up with a lot of crap from the sonic games, but this, this… you know what I can’t do it, I’m not even sure the internet can withstand my feelings for this game, they’re that horrible. But at least in recent years they’ve gotten their act together for Generations and the Rush games, hell even Sonic Colours.
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