The Joel MH, what a pathetic fool you are. You really thought you could best me and my pokegods, has it not occured to you how I came across so many, I can make as many as I want, or have you not met the true pokegod... the pokegod of Chaos... Missingno.
You really thought it was dead, Missingno cannot die, he is the god of glitch.
Is this your cavalry MH, the princess version of us, she plans to save you?
Really, and no, I'd say that was Castlevania: Lords of Shadow.
STORY
Gabriel Belmont is sent to find out why the heavens have been cut off from the world, preventing the souls of the dead to go to heaven and Gabriel also seeks out the murderer of his wife. This leads him to battle against the 3 lords of shadow who are responsible for blocking off heaven, the werewolf lord, the vampire queen and the lord of the necromancers and leading him along is Patrick Stewart and fuck spoilers, Picard is the bad guy used Satan who is one of the easiest final bosses ever and this mopey a hole Gabriel becomes Dracula.
MAIN CHARACTER
Gabriel is your standard holy warrior dude who becomes more evil as the game progresses as well as his dark dreams of killing people which upon awakens, said people are dead. Gabriel must take on both light and dark magic to fight against the lords of shadow. Gabriel fights with a cross which launches out a whip, classic Castlevania, well if it didn't suck balls.
ARTWORK
The artwork I must admit is a glorious gothic style which I cannot fault in anyway, it breathes in pure castlevania.
GAMEPLAY
Gameplay well you fight several enemies at once a lot of them time with combos and ending their lives with QTE'S, sound familar, well it should because it plays exactly like god of war. Light magic restores health when you hit stuff and dark magic does double damage. You gain experience points and use it to buy combos. But seriously this game plays exactly like god of war right down to it's bosses except 3 of them, but then again they also rip off other games.
Tell me does this remind you of anything...
Shadow of the Colossus much. The game does give you three powerful items after beating 3 of the 4 core bosses, the dark gauntlet, punch stuff really hard, the seraph boots, run really fast and the seraph wings, double jump. The game is filled with beat up the monster sections broken up with puzzles, though sometimes you have to tame a monster with your whip to ride it to get through strong gates or climb something you cannot via the all mighty power of QTE'S, where would we be without you?
Of course you do have other weapons, you have throwing knives which re good for werewolves, fairies which distract enemies, holy water which is good against vampires of course, boy do I hate that stuff and a dark crystal which you have to find in chunks which summons....
What the fuck is that, this is never really explained that well, it's Lady Gaga for all I know. Let me just check Wikipedia... Okay her name is....
Okay it's name is Power Crystal Demon, okay I'm a vampire lord, plenty of things to do and I at least have names for my minions. Also the whole Dracula thing, I know Castlevania, one thing first travelling in any other castlevania game involves you going back to earlier areas to reach areas you couldn't reach before to continue on, here you just do this to get secret items you don't need to beat the game. Back to the dracula thing, Dracula is Mathias Cronqvist, he is not a belmont. Okay this game is a reboot, but, a sucky reboot, okay it's not unplayable, but it drags on way too long, making you fight the same enemies over and over. I give this game, rodent, get your butt here now with the board!!
Now hold on where has MH gone... no what are you doing?!
NO, KEEP AWAY FROM ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Right, now that's dealt with.
Yeah cool why, come on let's get some pizza and play some shitty games. I mean I just beat the dreaded evil us, I mean okay I'm a creature of the night and drank the glitch god dry, but I don't see anything else bad happening.
ELSEWHERE
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