As you can read above, this is a 2 for one deal, well, to be honest one of these games I wanted to bitch about but it wasn’t enough to warrant it’s own standalone review, oh and yes I’m aware Charlie’s Angels was short, but with that game, I couldn’t even think about it in words, it was so bad, I couldn’t even swear but make swear like sounds, anywho…
Borderlands 2 is supposedly a really good game, if you can play it that is. After about half an hour of this game, my eyes started to blur like I had hundreds of eye floaters, so I took a break and came back 15 minutes later when my eyes had calmed down and then it happened again, followed by stomach pains and feeling like I’m going to hurl which I had to sleep off. Now I can play videogames for entire days without any issues, and yet I get fucking motion sickness from this game, why. The graphics are vicious to the eyes of a certain amount of people, which a warning is presented nowhere on the box about this problem, oh and by the way the graphics can be altered on pc to deal with this problem, console you’re fucked, oh and gearbox were well aware of this problem and didn’t give two shits, so if you think of buying this game, don’t, rent first and if you don’t have the problem, then maybe buy it, cause personally from what I DID play, it was rather standard FPS affair.
Now the main event, BAYONETTA!
Bayonetta has you play Bayonetta, the pole dancing witch fighting Angels with four guns, one each hand and high heel guns, not kidding. But the weapons are exchangeable, we have a whip, samurai sword, fire gloves and many more. Problem is, out of all the melee weapons the sword is the only one any good.
The gameplay engine seems very familar, you wanna know why, cause it’s a rip-off of Devil May Cry, though at least the game admits it since it has the achievement, ‘Angel May Cry’.
The gameplay just like DMC is fast paced, but has it’s only specials in the form of the torture attacks, such as iron maidens and those wooden horse like things with spikes on top that turn up in a lot of porn. What I never said this is a kids game, it is a 15 for a good reason. Also unlike DMC you can pick up enemy weapons after their deaths and slaughter enemies with them. The combat is filled to the brim with buyable combos and QTE’s.
Oh money, this is where the game starts to reference other games , I mean who made it…. SEGA.
When you kill enemies they drop rings, I mean Halos. Oh come on they drop gold rings people, hell the first level you’re in a graveyard burying a gangsta known as…
'EGGMAN THE DESTORYER'
So Sonic finally killed that fat bastard, by the way Sonic is not the fastest thing alive, that goes to Eggman, I mean come on you could never catch him at the end of the game.
Also we have a level where you ride a motorcycle in the style of and music of the Hang On series and a flying level in the style and music of After Burner, aah After Burner that game that burned up so much of my childhood. These levels aren’t like quick shitty affairs like other games would do, no these are well thought out and work really, really well.
The most important button you’ll find is the dodge button. When dodging attacks at the last moment, time slows down and you can take out enemies easier and solve time based puzzles. Also later on the button unlocks some special forms which aid in your gameplay. Oh and puzzles also include time reversing hourglasses and the ability to walk on walls while under moonlight.
Plot wise, Bayonetta is being hunted by angels trying to kill her and she has a magic stone and across the world in ‘Europe’ you know Europe the continent sized country according to videogames, just ask resident evil 4, lies another one that can, say it with me now, “RECOVER HER LOST MEMORIES AS SHE HAS AMNESIA”. Though I thought she was hunted for looking like Sarah Palin.
Lastly we see Bayonetta’s climax attacks which summon demons from her clothing to finish off bosses, what, yes she becomes naked to summon demons, what it covers the certain areas otherwise we’d have an 18 rating, I mean come on their called climax attacks and come on I did say she pole dances, I did warn you.
The game offers up a good experience in difficulties starting with normal for more experienced players with an easy mode, and a very easy mode for new players with hard unlocked later on., and it’s theme, a remade version of ‘Fly Me to the Moon’ works quite well as a little hint to what will happen later on in the game. The only downside I found is that it has you refight bosses especially one of them but that’s the only thing I can think of.
Recently looking through a gaming magazine both of these games were given 9/10 scores. Would I give Bayonetta this score, yes, would I give Borderlands 2 this, FUCK NO!
I’ve been TheJoelMH, signing off with Fly me to the moon.
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