WARNING THE FOLLOWING'S CONTENT IS 18+
"Between the time when the oceans drank Atari, and the rise of the sons of Bungie, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, The Joel MH, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Geekdom upon a troubled brow. It is I, his Dedenne,
who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!"
The Conan game is of course based on the Conan series of comics and I don't really have to explain him do I, basically a barbarian who wrecks people's shit by slicing them to pieces and smashing their faces in, moving on.
Conan is your average third person brawler, killa bunch of enemies and move on, or to mix things up, kill a bunch of enemies so you can work on a quick puzzle and then movie on, yay.
So since fighting is the main purpose of the game, that means the fighting skills are varied and quick, right?
Seriously you end up surrounded by enemies and struggle to fight basic grunts off in later levels because Conan is so goddamn slow. Okay this game is heavily gory with Finishers where Conan cuts a dude's head off or PULLS A MAN'S INTESTINES OUT OF HIS STOMACH!
Okay so the story opens up with Conan with lots of armour breaking into a palace to steal treasure only for Conan to accidentally release an ancient wizard.
Anyway Conan awakes on the coast of an island infested with pirates and fights his way to their leader, a big tank of a man called Bone Cleaver, who attacks with a large axe and lions, and if you beat this motherfucker you get a bit of your armour back, but turns out it's possessed with dark magic. Yeah the wizard enchanted Conan's armour which will then be used against him later on, okay the villain is already proving to be a complete tard already.
After this you meet some good pirates and their female bow wielding captain who explains that the villain of the game was sealed away because he tried to take over the world.
Anyway Conan's search for his army takes him to sandy ruins where he fights a sand dragon and then an underground graveyard full of giant ape monsters... what?
Anyway I forgot to mention the combat skills, Conan can learn moves by gaining xp which can be traded for moves depending on what weapon style you use, let me explain, you start each level with one small sword, but you can pick up two small swords, a sword with shield, torches or even one giant sword, each with different skills for each weapon type. These are very varied and in a much better game these would of worked well. Of course fighting isn't the only way to get XP, you can also get it by smashing up chests and saving maidens and when I say maidens I mean whores. Anyway the game continues with you fighting Satan Kongs until you come across the 2nd piece of armour guarded by a zombie skeleton elephant in toxic ooze.
Yeah, that's a thing. But the armour skill you get from it is the best in the game. Oh yeah for the first armour piece you can turn people to stone for a short time, but this boss, oh you get the power of FUCKING METEOR!
Okay the move is called Rain of Fire, but just look at it.
Anyway Conan journey's across the seas again to find a tower of evil which you eventually climb up to the top of and you fight a witch for the third power only for the level to end and then immediately jump to a boss on the sea with no explanation as to why you are suddenly fighting THE FUCKING KRAKEN!
Now at this point you'll have fought some enemies wielding spiked shields and this is what breaks the game, Conan is slow and has to wait for a split second opening and will often have to deal with several enemies at a time, hit at the wrong time and you get hurt for hitting the shield, every goddamn time! Now try dealing with several at once, you end up taking more damages from these shitdrizzlers than actual bosses and then for a fucking encore for the final armour piece, guess who's back off his last dick kickening, fucking Bone Cleaver and this time he's annoying as shit.
Bone Cleaver wields a ball and chain and a great big axe and does quake attacks when you're near him that stuns you so he can wreck your shit, and if you try and attack from afar he throws this weird rope thing which holds you in place until he's in your face again and goes back to pummeling you, the piece of fucking shit! And this is far as I got, I couldn't deal with this shit anymore, this game sucks fucking balls. Now I know what your thinking, MH you just suck at being a barbarian, yes that's true, but guess what we live in a technological age and do you know what this is.
It's a Gauss Rifle.
I'm The Joel MH, and I just kicked Conan's ass!
So, did The Joel MH destroy the wayward Conan game. And having no further concern, he and his Pokemon companions sought adventure in his local Game shop to buy more shitty games. Many wars and feuds did The Joel MH fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand. And this story shall also be told.
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