The Joel MH: Sonic Dash

Hello I'm The Joel MH and welcome to Sonic Month, where we look at the good Sonic games... yeah right, nope this is the god awful stuff starting with Sonic Dash.

Yes, I'm reviewing a mobile game, not the bizarre MLP/Sonic crossover fandom that appeared all over my google image search of this game.

Seriously what the fuck? The time I wasted on this game, it bloody deserves a review. It's a endless runner such as Subway Surfers, but you play as Sonic spin dashing enemies and jumping on them to cross gaps. And guess what it's bland and unoriginal.

You collect rings to buy powerups and fill up the dash meter on the right of the screen which lets you mow past enemies, obstacles and jumps.

You die in one hit with rings if you collide into an object unless you have a shield which doesn't block enemy hits like the main games. These obstacles start out quite fair, leaping over low objects and spin dashing under high objects, but.... the game will begin ass-raping you later on where they get so fast with unpassable objects dashing left and right, jumping and spin dashing that it becomes frankly impossible without a full dash meter. Oh but you can come back with revive tokens. But how do you get them you ask, well you collect red rings which rarely appear which are also used to pay for new characters...

And how do they play everybody?

THEY ALL PLAY THE FUCKING SAME!
Now how do I attract the furries to this review, oh I know Amy Rose Panty Shot.

Oh the other way you get revive tokens or even regular extra gold rings if you're lazy. MONEY MONEY MONEY.... MONEY! Yeah it's a freemium game, and I'm not gonna explain what that means, South Park if you may.

So what is the game's goal. to reach the end, no, as it's an endless runner, beat bosses, no... well yes as there are two bosses that you can fight randomly, robotnik who shoots fast missiles at you and Zazz from Lost World who shoots out slow stars which are easy to dodge.

No the real reason for this game is to climb the high score leaderboard and how do you do this you ask. Well to actually stand a chance... here's my credit card, I need all those powerups. And what's worse is that this game crashes all the goddamn time and if it does any powerups you've used are lost but all progress you made... FUCKING GONE! This game is nothing but a cash whore, stay the fuck away. Oh but did you know there is a Sonic Dash comic, well...

It's a shameless cash in for a shameless cash in. Sonic goes running on a fenced path looking for red rings and Tails, Amy and Knuckles follow after him and that's about it, well Amy is her spazzy, Oh Sonic I love you despite your clear and obvious distain for me, but I'll keep on chasing after you like a Justin Beiber fan girl. What, oh out of date, who's popular right now? Oh right, One Direction fan girl. So what does the game come to scorewise?